I interrupt my own not-so-regularly scheduled culture shock blog posts to bring you all a handy guide to solo hiking in Germany. Credentials include: having done it once.
Without further ado, I present: My tips, tricks, and musings on solo hiking in Germany...
1. The whole concept of hiking will feel weird at first if your ancestors went on a very notable very not optional 40-year-long "hike" in desperate search of the holy land. It's important to acknowledge this internally and remind your body (and your ancestors) that the hike you are embarking on is optional, will (hopefully) only last a couple hours, and (unfortunately) no bread will be raining from the sky.
2. Since you can't rely on airborne Manna to get you through your hike, I recommend packing a soft pretzel and some clementines, maybe some vegan beef jerky if you're feeling fancy. Snacks are a great way to keep motivation high ("When I finally reach the top of this hill, I will eat a half-melted chocolate peanut butter cup!") while practicing discipline ("I will not eat all of my peanut butter cups in the first 10 minutes of my hike and then lie down in the middle of the trail and roll back down the mountain in despair because I am out of peanut butter cups").
3. If you happen to eat all your peanut butter cups in the first 10 minutes of the hike, consider fantasizing about foods you would like to eat when you are finished with your hike as an alternative to lying down in the middle of the trail and rolling back down the mountain. May I suggest pistachio ice cream or rugelach as particularly motivating foods, or as my 3-hours-into-this-hike-and-nearly-enlightened brain came up with: Pistachio ice cream in a cone made of rugelach.
3. Bring more water than you think you'll need because the fear that you might run out of water unleashes a rush of primal adrenaline that rivals pre-SAT nerves.
4. It's okay if you download a hiking trail app but refuse to purchase the premuim subscription to access the trail maps offline because you'd rather get stranded in the woods than pay $2.83 a month. It's okay if you promptly lose service as soon as you start your hike and then wonder which side of your family made you this stingy and if they're happy now. It's okay because in Germany hiking trails are scarily well-maintained and there is consistent, easily legible signage that turns your exhausting hike into an invigorating scavenger hunt. Where's the next sign? There it is! That-a-way folks! No phones needed.
5. When said signage tells you not to swim in the pristine turquoise sparkling lake at the end of your hike because the pristine turquoise sparkling lake is a protected nature reserve and it is home to a variety of endangered plants....respect the sign. Even when your U.S. American bones are telling you that your freedom is more important than some plants and your U.S. American feet are stinky as all hell and craving a bath. Since living in Germany, you have learned that some rules are good rules and that Big Government can actually function sometimes. And that the longevity of this lake is more important than your feet (which are, let's be real, four hours into a hike on an 80 degree day, biohazards).
6. Whenever you cross paths with a waterfall peppered with big mossy rocks, this is what you do. You liberate your feet from feet jail (take your shoes and socks off). You tip-toe into the water ("eeeeee it's coooooold"). You pretend you're a little monkey and climb all over the rocks. Bonus points if you howl at the sky.
7. It is absolutely worth investing in a fancy-ass hiking backpack that is designed for maximum space and breathability between the pack and your back so you aren't Mr. Sweaty Back the whole damn hike.
8. You might be confused about what to think about on a solo hike. Two to six hours of just you and your brain. I recommend being present for gotdamn once in your life. If you're unsure how to practice mindfulness in a society designed to keep you distracted, try channeling your inner 2-year-old. Oo, pretty flowers! Oo, big mountains. Oo, cold waterfalls! Just avoid putting anything in your mouth that doesn't belong there.
Happy hiking!
