Culture Shock #58: Corn is not native to Europe

 Who's gonna tell Germans that corn comes with built-in packaging?

 Like seriously this is humiliating. And they call themselves eco-friendly. 

Meanwhile Americans are busy shrink-wrapping their cucumbers...guess we all have room to grow. 

Culture Shock #57: Germans are pro child injury

I was sitting in a team meeting at the youth center I work at, and we were discussing the new loft my colleague recently built with some kiddos. It's cute, a little two-story wooden structure in one of our playrooms draped with blankets. Kids can play underneath it or climb up a ladder to play on the raised platform. 

I spoke up in the meeting to mention something I'd noticed since the loft had been built - I'd seen three different kids smack their foreheads on the upper platform while trying to climb under it. I brought this up in the team meeting and expected the reaction I would've gotten in the U.S.. The worried looks (the liability! the potential lawsuits!), the gratitude for bringing my acute observations to the team meeting (we must protect our children from fatal head injuries!), the immediate problem-solving response (caution tape? a foam strip? sand down the wooden edges? tear the whole thing down and build a new loft out of rubber?). 

Needless to say my observation was not met with the responses I anticipated. In reality, I was met with blank stares. I actually felt a bit stupid. Did they understand what I had just said? Why were they treating children smacking their heads on wooden beams like something benign? The silence was mildly excruciating. 

Finally, one of my colleagues said, "Yes? And have these particular children smacked their heads on the wooden beams again since?"

I was gobsmacked. Because no, it had been three different children. I mean, there hadn't been enough injury cases for me to start running statistics, but my colleague had a point. The pain I watched these three children endure would probably serve as a decent reminder to duck the next time they wanted to play under the loft. 

I find this moment in this team meeting such a brilliant and illustrative example of how the U.S. American  approach to risk differs from the German one. While U.S. American parents spend hundreds of dollars and multiple hours child-proofing their entire homes, German parents endure watching their child hit their head on the glass table. Once. While U.S. American parents don't let their children anywhere near sharp knives until they're in middle school (at least), six-year-old German children are slicing their own carrot sticks, their older sibling correcting their form, band-aids ready on the kitchen counter if necessary. While U.S. American parents forbid their children from climbing the tree in the backyard for fear of a sprained limb, German parents help their kid strategize how to reach the first branch without their help.

Maybe the willingness of Germans to watch their youth get injured makes you deeply uncomfortable and squeamish. Maybe this blog post is confirming your stereotypes of Germans being a callous and unempathetic people. Or maybe you're like me, and you're thinking...What are German teenagers capable of doing because they were entrusted to carry out important daily tasks as children? How does radically investing in a child's autonomy and independence influence teenage anxiety? What kind of citizens do German children grow up to be if they are taught at a young age to pay attention to their surroundings? If we treat our children like they cannot survive in this world without our constant vigilant protection, how could we possibly expect them to?

The limitations of my U.S. American/German comparison are not lost on me. I know that U.S. is a much more dangerous country for children to grow up in. Poverty, racism, gun violence, the school to prison pipeline, car-centric cities, a disastrous healthcare system, inhumane immigration policies, ableist architecture...in a country where the government cares so little for its people, it makes sense that parents want to protect their children from harm in the limited ways they can. 

I suppose there are ways in which exposing children to danger and risk can be deeply educational and empowering. And. There are ways in which exposing children to danger and risk can be deeply traumatizing and disempowering. 

How's that for a nuanced take for you?! 

Culture Shock #56: Germans don't know how to eat tacos

In honor of July 4th, here's a post about tacos.

I thought yall might enjoy the wall decor at the one and only taco shop in Freiburg. 

"This is how one eats tacos."

My favorite panel in this polyptych is the last one.

"No knife and fork."

And in case the wall hangings aren't enough, the napkin dispensers have additional guidance.

It never occurred to me that one would grow up not knowing how to eat a taco. The fact that the German instinct is to pick up a KNIFE and FORK in the face of a taco makes me shudder. I wish you could've seen my face when I walked into this restaurant for the first time and saw the photos on the wall...I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. 

I applaud restaurant owner's insistence that her customers eat tacos as they are meant to be eaten. Her faith is not misplaced. Every German I saw in that restaurant were trying their damndest to keep their head at the appropriate 45 degree angle. Hey, Germans may not have grown up exposed to the delicacy of tacos, but they sure do know how to follow precise orders. 

(They are decent tacos, for those who are wondering. Pricey, but decent.)

Culture Shock #55: Why it took me two years to get a German driver's license

Are you a U.S. American with a driver's license looking to get a German driver's license? Well then, this post is for you! Here is a complete and 100% accurate list of things you need in order to get your hands on a German driver's license: 

1) 45 Euros. 

2) Your passport or German ID. 

3) Your current U.S. American driver's license. 

4) An official document proving that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license. No, your current U.S. American driver's license does not count as proof that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license. What counts as an official document that proves you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license, you might ask? Great question! A job contract, housing contract, or college transcript would suffice. Oh, you don't want the German government in your U.S. American business? How bad do you want that German driver's license? 

5) Your first ever driver's license. Yep, the one you got at age sixteen that you obviously don't still have. 

6) Maybe you felt this one coming because you're an expert at reading context clues. Yep, you need an official document proving that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your FIRST U.S. AMERICAN DRIVER'S LICENSE. What, you didn't have a job or housing contract at age sixteen? Loser! Guess you're gonna have to go dig through those dusty cardboard boxes in your basement for your high school report card. Oh, you're young enough that report cards were digitalized by the time you graduated high school? Awesome, lucky you! Then you get to text your mom and ask her to Facebook message your eighth grade history teacher and ask him how you might get a pdf of your high school report card to prove to the German government that you were in the U.S. when you got your first U.S. driver's license. 

7) Wait...don't tell me you want to keep your U.S. American driver's license? You mean you don't want the German government to take it away? AND you want a German driver's license? You want both? You greedy fool! In that case, you'll need to provide an official letter addressed to the German government making the sound argument that you deserve to keep your own U.S. American driver's license that you obtained in the U.S. (as proven). The advice I got from the nice lady working at the German DMV? Say you need your U.S. American driver's license to vote. Germans may be wacky, but it is in their best interest to protect global democracy, and they have a good feeling that you're not a Trumpie. 

8) A stool sample of your second cousin once-removed. 

9) The correct answers to Rumplestiltskin's half-brother's riddles three. 

Hope this helps!

Culture Shock #54: The German S'more

I wrote a blog post back in 2024 about the shock I felt upon discovering that Germans do not eat s'mores. While I continue to send thoughts and prayers to every German who has yet to try the sickeningly sweet delectable roasted gooey sandwich of summer, I have discovered what Germans eat around a campfire instead of s'mores. 

It's called Stockbrot. In English, "stick bread."

The German language is just masterful at literalism. 

Stockbrot is when you wrap a piece of pizza dough around a stick and hold it over a fire until it's toasty brown on the outside and fluffied warmth on the inside. You then have a couple options.

1. Rip pieces of the fire-baked dough off the stick and eat them plain

2. Slide the log of baked dough off of the stick and shove some cheese in it. Let the cheese melt, then enjoy a savory cheesey pizza log snack.

3. Slide the log of baked dough off of the stick and shove some chocolate in it. Let the chocolate melt, then enjoy a sweet chocolatey pizza log snack. 

I'm gonna be honest, Stockbrot's got nothing on s'mores. While I do appreciate the sweet/savory versatility of Stockbrot, I cannot get over the absurdity of wrapping raw dough around a stick and holding it over a fire. There is something so primal about it. Especially if you take the time before grabbing your pizza dough to whittle your Stockbrot stick to a clean point. Germans love to whittle. 

Maybe that's why s'mores never caught on in Germany, actually. Not nearly enough whittling involved. 

Culture Shock #53: The weak-tongued Germans have gained a member

 Guys...I have something shameful to admit. 

I've been buying this red pepper spread consistently since moving to Germany. I put it on everything, from bread to crackers to veggies to pastas. On the jar is the warning: Spicy! When I first moved here and tried the spread for the first time, I laughed dismissively. This isn't spicy at all! How embarrassing it must be to be a weak-tongued German. 

Last week, I spooned heaps of my trusty red pepper spead on a piece of matzah, preparing a snack to eat while I called my bestie Elya. As we talked, and I munched, I felt a soft tingle in my mouth. I kept eating, not thinking much of it. The tingle remained. I sipped my water, continuing to chat with Elya and eat my matzah. I felt my body getting warmer, a slight sheen on my forehead. I sipped more water, but the tingle only seemed to intensify. Finally, I took a second to look down at my matzah. What was going on? I dipped my finger gingerly into the red pepper spread and sucked it off my finger. The tingle erupted into a burn. 

Oh god. 

The spread was spicy. 

There are no words to describe this humiliating turn my life has taken. My only hope is to engage in vigorous spice-training whenever I'm back in the U.S.. I'm talking curries, tacos, hot-honeyed pizzas, jalepeño poppers...

...alright. This might not be the worst fate. 

Culture Shock #52: Germans don't know when noon is

Here's a funny thing I found out recently. Germans think "noon" is a quick and quirky way to say "afternoon". In other words, they don't understand that "noon" refers to a specific time in the day. Here's an example of a conversation I've had multiple times with a variety of Germans:

Me: Great! Wanna meet at noon?

German: Sure! When?

Me:...noon?

German: Yes, but when at noon?

Me: ....how about...at...NOON????? 

(For all the Germans reading this post, "noon" is 12 o'clock in the daytime. Please just learn that. It'll make my life easier.)