Bleeding Orange and Blue

Ugh guys this blog post is SO overdue I almost tossed the idea entirely. Yall are lucky I'm not a quitter and I love my ideas too much. 

As many of you know, I was in the U.S. in May of this year to witness my baby sister graduate college  (A note to my sister: Yes, I'm about to make your college graduation about me. Yes, it is my right as your older sister. Yes, you can remind me of this when you make way more money next year than I ever will.) 

Alina decided they wanted to attend their official graduation ceremony at the Memorial Stadium, which I was stoked about, as I'd opted out of my own college stadium graduation back in my day. No regrets, but still. I was ready to numb my butt on metal bleachers and scream in the general direction of my sister for two and a half hours. As expected, the ceremony was very orange and very blue and very loud and very exciting.

Additionally, it was very U.S. American. 

I'm not just referring to the obvious - the fact that the ceremony was held in a football stadium and had a clear bag policy. What struck me as astoundingly U.S. American were the speeches given throughout the ceremony. About halfway through the first speech, I whipped out my phone and started taking notes, floored by how two years (!!) in Germany could so violently sensitize me to the language, metaphors, and sentiments expressed by UIUC faculty and staff members. To be clear, I'm certain that if I had attended my own college graduation ceremony at the Michigan Stadium, the speeches would've been very similar. I doubt I would've noticed how ludicrous they sounded though. 

Alright enough set-up. Let me walk you through my Germanized-brain reactions to various phrases proclaimed into a booming stadium microphone on my sister's graduation day. For the full effect, please read the following section while sitting on the world's most uncomfortable set of bleachers. Bonus points if it's windy as all hell and you're half-sitting on a Ziploc bag stuffed with your valuables. 

"Dedication and sacrifice!" Alright, dedication is something to acknowledge for sure, college isn't easy. Sacrifice feels like a little much, unless they're referring to sleep, in which case, sure. 

"Your degree carries the weight of excellence!" Sounds heavy and important. 

"You are the solution to the challenges we face!" Damn, no pressure. Also, thanks for all the challenges, old white guy currently speaking. 

"You dared to dream beyond the skies, you are bold and wise, strong in spirit, and strong in intellect!" Is this a poem? So many adjectives. 

"This is the top university in the world." How do you even measure that? Like, I know it's a great university, but this feels a little much.

"We are the best universtiy in the cosmos." Oh so not just the world, huh? 

"You are legends and giants." I dunno, I mean my sister's only 5 feet tall...

"You are the finest minds in the world." Ain't no way all these minds are fine.

"You are all heroic." What HAPPENED HERE exactly??

"We bleed orange and blue every step of the way." Sounds painful. 

"Together, we will unleash the power of human potential." Not sure I want to be there for that. 

Do you see what I mean? Once you hear it you kind of can't unhear it. That being said, I doubt German college graduation ceremonies are any fun. I've never been to one. To be honest I don't even know if they have official ceremonies. Maybe that's for the best. Can you imagine a German graduation ceremony speech?

(best read in a heavy German accent) 

"You studied at our average university to get a degree. Some of you worked hard, others did not. Some of you will find jobs, some of you will move back in with your parents, most of you will immediately start another degree because you don't want to enter the work force. No problem, just wire your semester fees of 200 Euros on time please. Thank you for your intellectual contributions throughout the years, most of which will have no lasting impact on our institution. Please before you leave make sure to drop off three printed copies of your 80-page Bachelor's thesis. We hate trees." 

Now that I think about it, I'd much rather walk out of my own college graduation feeling heroic than average. Maybe the U.S. is onto something here. Maybe radical honesty isn't what college graduations are about. Maybe they're about hope, and maybe that's okay.