Culture Shock #48: If you give a goose a shower

Have you ever found yourself in the shower with a goose for work?

Guess I can check that off my bucket list.

Oh, you want proof? I've got proof. 

What? I didn't say it was a real goose. 

I feel your burning questions. It would be an honor to answer them. 

Are you familiar with the concept of a "white elephant?". They happen a lot around Christmas time (I say "Christmas" deliberately, as I've only ever taken part in white elephants with Christian friends. Jews don't engage in the practice of random gift-giving. It's too much uncertainty. We've been through enough.). The idea is, you show up to the function with a wrapped gift for no one in particular. Everyone sits in a circle with their gift in their lap and, through invigorating rounds of dice-rolling, the gifts are exchanged at random until the time is up. Whatever gift is in your lap when the timer rings is the gift you take home with you. I have absolutely no idea why it's called "white elephant." I hope to god it's not because someone once brought a white elephant to a gift exchange like this. I imagine white elephants are difficult to wrap, let alone set in your lap, as they are rather large and heavy. Plus, they don't exist.

As it so happens, Germans are also well-versed in the tradition of random gift giving around the holiday season. Their version of "white elephant" is called "Wichtel." Have fun pronouncing that. 

It also turns out, Germans have a funny bone or two, wiggled loose by Christmas spirit or copious amounts of mulled wine or both. Meaning, Germans not only have "Wichtel", they also have "Schrottwichtel." The word "Schrottwichtel" roughly translates to "bring something you have at home that is objectively useless junk in the hopes that you will bring home slightly more useful junk." 

My workplace has a long-standing tradition of cooking a Christmas dinner together on the first Friday in December to celebrate the end of the year and the holiday season. After the dinner comes the sacred ritual of Schrottwichtel. I started my current job on December 1 2024, meaning my first Friday on the job ended with this Christmas dinner and Schrottwichtel. I remember being completely overwhelmed, sitting at a large table with a bunch of strangers, some old utensils wrapped in newspaper hugged between my knees, wondering if I could log these hours as work ones. It was torture! I had no connection to Christmas, had barely a clue what Schrottwichtel was, and found it strange to be drinking with coworkers I barely knew. I left after nearly four hours, at 10pm, which was all I could handle. On the following Monday, my coworkers reported that they continued drinking and chatting into the wee hours of the morning, and it was a shame I left so early.  

Now, exactly one year later, I am determined to have a difference experience. No, I don't give a shit about Christmas. But I do like free food, and my coworkers are pretty okay. We know each other a lot better now, at least. And this time, I'm bringing a goose. 

The goose and I have a fairly unromantic meet-cute. More like a stumble-upon. I found the goose in the basement of my building while looking for my bike pump. I remember thinking, "wow, this goose looks like it's been here for 10 years," and then continuing about my day. This morning, when my Reminders app alerted me to the reality of Schrottwichtel this evening, the image of this dusty old goose in my building's basement popped into my head. I knew what I had to do. 

The shower was inevitable. You can't show up to a Schrottwichtel with dirty junk, that would be bad etiquette, and I wasn't raised by wolves. I need to bring a clean goose. 

Now all I'm hoping is that no one in my building trundles down to the basement looking for their dusty old goose. If so, this blog post is serious incriminating evidence of goose-thievery on my part. Well, at least you are all forewarned. If one day, you notice my blog skips from "Culture Shock #47" to "Culture Shock #49", you'll know someone went a-huntin' for their goose, and I had to protect myself. 

Wish me luck tonight!