Culture Shock #49: There's a tea for that

It's a punishingly grey Saturday, and I woke up this morning feeling more homesick than usual. There are days where, in such a melancholy state of mind and body, I might've reached for my journal or sent a voice message to the family group chat. But this morning, after surrendering into the fact that it would be a sad day, my instincts whispered: tea. 

Growing up, I rarely drank herbal tea. Maybe a milky chamomile when I couldn't sleep or a ginger honey to soothe a throatache, but that was pretty much the extent of it. In college, the closest I got to drinking any kind of tea were the chai and matcha lattes I treated myself to during strenuous days of studying. As there certainly weren't any tea leaves involved in brewing those Starbucks concoctions, I understand if readers are reluctant to count this as tea-drinking. I certainly wasn't drinking herbal tea at age nineteen. In fact, I was generally anti any decaffienated hot beverage, worried that the droopy eyelids and gaping yawns it might induce would hinder my Freshman mission to never miss out on anything ever. 

Since moving to Germany, I have spent many a minute perusing the astounding array of herbal tea mixes in supermarket and drug store aisles. What tickles me the most is how these teas are marketed, which I suppose is a reflection of the function tea-drinking plays in German society. There is an herbal tea mix for everything, and it's safe to assume that every German household has a pantry shelf full of them. 

Sure, you've got the basic herbal tea mixes, marketed towards your everyday pains and aches. Throatache? Yep. Stomachache? Yep. Immunity strengthening? Easy. 

Then, there are teas meant for more specific physical ailments beyond the average cold symptom. Need a tea to relieve irritation caused by inflammation of the mucus membranes in the upper respiratory tract? No problem. What about a tea to remedy declining cardiac performance and feelings of tightness in the chest area? Coming right up! Looking for a tea to support organic breastfeeding by balancing fluid levels and promoting a soothing and harmonious breastfeeding relationship? Aisle four! 

German herbal teas go far beyond the realm of physical ailments. There are also teas marketed for specific times of day or year. Some of them might sound familiar to you, others not so much. Christmas tea? Sure, we've probably got that. Winter tea? Obviously, for all the other winter days besides Christmas. Night time tea? Of course, the tea I avoided in college. Work break tea? Right, for all the breaks we take at work...

Beyond specific times of day or year, there are German herbal teas designed to offer teleportative experiences, for those who wish they were somewhere else, or perhaps for those who want to intensify the experience of being where they are. Teas called "Breathing deeply in the woods" (Can't see the forest for the trees? Then it's time for a break! A cup of blackberry leaves, cowslips, and spruce needles will send your thoughts on a walk through the forest) or "Cozy evening around the fire" (This romatic herbal tea combines warming lime blossom with honeybush. Rounded off with ginger, cardamom, and star anise, this powerful tea pampers both body and soul. Perfect for cozy evenings with the whole family) are not hard to find in your average German grocery store. 

You've also got the teas that are meant to target specific psychological ailments or states. Tea to soothe nervous restlessness or irritation? Not a problem. Woman Power tea? Whatever that means, it exists! (This is not to say that being a woman is a psychological ailment. I suppose I could argue that womanhood is a psychological state, though I prefer not to engage in discourse online. I do find it fascinating that I've never seen "Man power" tea. I have yet to decide if that's a good thing or not. You'll be hearing from me if I ever find a "Gender nonconforming power" tea.) Or maybe you're on the lookout for Happiness tea, that is delicately tart, cheerful, and uplifting? Ideal for anyone who believes in happiness? Together with other herbs and spices, cinnamon, hops, and orange peel lovingly tickle the palate and soul? The delicately tart and slightly spicy taste of this atmospheric blend will bring a smile to your lips? Name your price! (No really, I've seen wild price ranges on German Happiness Tea. How much would you pay to feel happy?) 

So obviously a part of me wants to riff off of the ridiculous assortment of German herbal teas. Like, excuse me, pharmacist? One Monday Springtime Post-White Collar Workday Constipation Tea please! Excuse me, pharmacist? One Tu Bishvat Itchy Left Nostril Tea please! Excuse me, pharmacist? One Late Autumn Moroccan Camel Ride for Seniors Tea please! (Shoutout to my grandparents for the inspiration). God this is too fun, I could go on for days. 

There is another part of me though, becoming more present the longer I live here, that really embraces the tea-drinking culture in Germany. The idea that, whatever you've got going on in your mind~body~spirit, there's a tea for that. I find it soothing, the ritual of reaching for the tea leaves, of filling up the water kettle, of carefully selecting a mug from the cupboard, especially in moments where I'm feeling lost or helpless. So today, I am drinking homesick tea, a mason jar of loose tea leaves lovingly mixed by my partner (not in crime. I state for the record that they had nothing to do with the Great Goose Thievery of December 5th 2025). 

Culture Shock #48: If you give a goose a shower

Have you ever found yourself in the shower with a goose for work?

Guess I can check that off my bucket list.

Oh, you want proof? I've got proof. 

What? I didn't say it was a real goose. 

I feel your burning questions. It would be an honor to answer them. 

Are you familiar with the concept of a "white elephant?". They happen a lot around Christmas time (I say "Christmas" deliberately, as I've only ever taken part in white elephants with Christian friends. Jews don't engage in the practice of random gift-giving. It's too much uncertainty. We've been through enough.). The idea is, you show up to the function with a wrapped gift for no one in particular. Everyone sits in a circle with their gift in their lap and, through invigorating rounds of dice-rolling, the gifts are exchanged at random until the time is up. Whatever gift is in your lap when the timer rings is the gift you take home with you. I have absolutely no idea why it's called "white elephant." I hope to god it's not because someone once brought a white elephant to a gift exchange like this. I imagine white elephants are difficult to wrap, let alone set in your lap, as they are rather large and heavy. Plus, they don't exist.

As it so happens, Germans are also well-versed in the tradition of random gift giving around the holiday season. Their version of "white elephant" is called "Wichtel." Have fun pronouncing that. 

It also turns out, Germans have a funny bone or two, wiggled loose by Christmas spirit or copious amounts of mulled wine or both. Meaning, Germans not only have "Wichtel", they also have "Schrottwichtel." The word "Schrottwichtel" roughly translates to "bring something you have at home that is objectively useless junk in the hopes that you will bring home slightly more useful junk." 

My workplace has a long-standing tradition of cooking a Christmas dinner together on the first Friday in December to celebrate the end of the year and the holiday season. After the dinner comes the sacred ritual of Schrottwichtel. I started my current job on December 1 2024, meaning my first Friday on the job ended with this Christmas dinner and Schrottwichtel. I remember being completely overwhelmed, sitting at a large table with a bunch of strangers, some old utensils wrapped in newspaper hugged between my knees, wondering if I could log these hours as work ones. It was torture! I had no connection to Christmas, had barely a clue what Schrottwichtel was, and found it strange to be drinking with coworkers I barely knew. I left after nearly four hours, at 10pm, which was all I could handle. On the following Monday, my coworkers reported that they continued drinking and chatting into the wee hours of the morning, and it was a shame I left so early.  

Now, exactly one year later, I am determined to have a difference experience. No, I don't give a shit about Christmas. But I do like free food, and my coworkers are pretty okay. We know each other a lot better now, at least. And this time, I'm bringing a goose. 

The goose and I have a fairly unromantic meet-cute. More like a stumble-upon. I found the goose in the basement of my building while looking for my bike pump. I remember thinking, "wow, this goose looks like it's been here for 10 years," and then continuing about my day. This morning, when my Reminders app alerted me to the reality of Schrottwichtel this evening, the image of this dusty old goose in my building's basement popped into my head. I knew what I had to do. 

The shower was inevitable. You can't show up to a Schrottwichtel with dirty junk, that would be bad etiquette, and I wasn't raised by wolves. I need to bring a clean goose. 

Now all I'm hoping is that no one in my building trundles down to the basement looking for their dusty old goose. If so, this blog post is serious incriminating evidence of goose-thievery on my part. Well, at least you are all forewarned. If one day, you notice my blog skips from "Culture Shock #47" to "Culture Shock #49", you'll know someone went a-huntin' for their goose, and I had to protect myself. 

Wish me luck tonight!

Culture Shock #47: If there's no email confirmation...

 ...did you actually make the appointment? Will it actually take place on the day and at the time that you requested? 

Turns out, the answers to these questions depends on where you live.

If you are in the U.S. and you make an appointment and you receive no email confirmation OR email reminder the day beforehand, the appointment will not happen. You probably didn't successfully make it in the first place, you just thought you did. Even if the appointment miraculously does happen, lord knows you won't be there, because you were relying on the email to remind you when and where it was. 

If you are in Germany and you make an appointment and you receive an email confirmation and/or an email reminder the day before, congratulations! You have found one of the three institutions that decided digitalizating their system wouldn't also summon the devil on the premises. No but actually, when you call (yes, CALL) the hairdresser or doctor or dentist or restaurant to make an appointment or reservation, you better write the time and date and address down, because chances are, you will not hear from that establishment again. You will hang up the call and feel the essence of the conversation float into the ether, with no email in your inbox a couple minutes later to confirm that you were indeed brave enough to call in the first place. 

So the context behind this post is I'm becoming infamous at my eye doctor. Growing up in an email confirmation culture makes me feel like I've got the memory of a goldfish. In the span of a month, I called my eye doctor three times to order contacts, forgetting that I'd already called and ordered them. Look, if I'm not getting emails every couple days confirming that I called, that my order is processing, that it'll be ready any day now, thank you very much for remaining a loyal customer, have you considered getting new frames by the way?, 5 Signs You Might Have Eye Cancer...how do I know that I called in the first place??

Culture Shock #46: Where is the peppermint?

Starting to worry that my favorite winter flavor doesn't speak German. 

I have yet to encounter a single package of candy canes, and it is December 4th. Meanwhile, I know those iconic red and white stripes have been branding U.S. American retinas since the day after Thanksgiving. My hot cocoas are suffering from boredom without their sticky sweet minty companions! 

I fear candy canes contain a variety of chemical ingredients long-banned in the European Union. But because I'd like to protect my peace, I'm going to decide that I live in a candy caneless country because peppermint is too spicy for Germans. 

 

Culture Shock #45: A U.S. American walks into a sauna

Alright folks, this is everything you need to know before embarking on your first German sauna experience. You're so very welcome for conducting thorough embodied research. I did it for the U.S. American people. 

For those of you who don't know what a sauna is (I sure didn't before moving here), let me try to paint a picture. You know the sensation of hotboxing your car? Now imagine instead of your car it's a log cabin in which long wooden benches circle a heated stone oven. And instead of weed hanging heavy in the air it's plumes of hot steam produced by a team of expert sauna masters, whose job it is to place spheres of scented ice (think lavendar, eucalyptus) on top these heated stone ovens. And instead of your douchebag high school boyfriend sitting next to you pretending he knows how to roll a joint it's a smattering of strangers eager to sweat out their bodily toxins and/or reach enlightenment. Oh right, and the strangers are butt naked. 

Some of you might be thinking "Huh, that actually sounds like my worst nightmare. You couldn't pay me to strip down and drip sweat among strangers in a small wooden box." To which I say, completely fair. That was more or less my opinion on the matter for my first 17 months living in Europe. Then I started to get curious. Because people here won't shut up about them! Sauna weekend this, sauna weekend that. Saunas strengthen your immune system, reset your mind~body connection, facilitate deep relaxation and meditative presence, the effects can last days if not weeks...sue me, it sounded kinda nice. Plus I needed content for my blog. 

Alright, enough groundwork. Here's what I learned, my takeaways, advice I was given in preparation, and things I wish someone had told me beforehand. Compiled into a comprehensive (you guessed it) list! I love lists, can you tell? 

A U.S. American walks into a sauna so you can too

1. For the sake of your inner peace, I recommend choosing a sauna where you're fairly certain you won't run into anyone you know. I fondly recall overhearing a conversation among three of my coworkers, during which was revealed that (to their horror) they had all separately made plans to go to the same sauna with their respective lovers that upcoming weekend. They then proceeded with a bout of negotiation in order to avoid undesired collegial contact in the buff. (Imagine the Monday team meeting eye contact! I'd have to quit.) I believe they were able to work out time slots, bless them. 

2.  If you are truly among only strangers, the whole being naked thing is way less of a big deal than I anticipated it being. In fact, when you think about it, the nightmare you often have about being naked in public is only humiliating and unbearable because you are the only one naked in the room. But when everyone is naked, it's kind of like no one is. You guys know the Incredibles? Just apply Dash's logic. "If everyone is super..." If you still don't believe me, take this little personal anecdote into consideration. I was sitting in a sauna during a steam ceremony (that's when the sauna masters come into the saunas and place new scented ice balls on the heated stone ovens to create fresh piping hot steam) and the sauna master was passing around cups of lemon-scented lotion. Mind you, I am in my birthday suit and my hair is sticking to my neck and my knee pits are puddles. Somehow I manage forget all of this as I turn to the very naked man sitting next to me and ask him matter-of-factly, "Where are we supposed to rub this lotion?". He turns to me and answers simply "I think everywhere except your eyes." "Right," I answer, "Thanks!". I am halfway through massaging the lotion onto my naked body before I register the fact that I had initiated a conversation with a naked man about where I should rub my lotion. The weirdest part was, it didn't feel weird at all. (Important note: Context is key! If you are on the subway and a naked man approaches you asking where he should rub his lemon-scented lotion, please run away!)

3. Saunas are (you may have guessed this already from all the "hot steam"s and "dripping sweat"s) very hot. They are designed to make you sweat. You are not supposed to stay in them for very long, 8-15 minutes maximum. There are brilliant little sand timers on the walls that I recommend utilizing to maintain some grasp on linear time in the liminal spaces that saunas can be. That being said, your body is your best timer. If you start to breath shallow, or feel dizzy, or your sauna master decides that DILL would be an appropriate scent to fill the hot sweaty room with...stand up and leave. You are not a piece of salmon. You are a human being. 

4. 8-15 minutes might not sound like a long time, but it certainly feels like it when you have nothing else to do but sit and sweat and try not look straight at the penis in your periphery (just pretend it's a basilisk, works for me). Sometimes thoughts might come into your head, such as "Why am I doing this to myself?" and "Is this cultural appropriation?". Allow these thoughts to float by like clouds in the sky and keep letting those beads of sweat roll down into your buttcrack. Your body and mind will thank you later.

5. Bring two towels. One towel is to lay down on the wooden benches in the saunas so you don't leave behind butt prints, or worse. Hygiene, people, hygiene. The other towel is for drying off after your post-sauna jump in the shower or pool or lake.

6. Speaking of shower or pool or lake...it's a truly invigorating and awesome sensation, going from unbearably hot to refreshingly cold. However inticing that water might look after you step out of a sauna, it's essential that you wait a couple minutes before plunging in to give your body a chance to start regulating its own temperature first. Getting a heart attack at the sauna is frowned upon, as paramedics aren't known for their zen vibes. 

7. Hydrate hydrate hydrate! Some saunas will provide free tea, which will somehow help your monkey brain make peace with the 50 euro entrance fee. I recommend bringing lemon water, as it is refreshing and fancy and may or may not provide additional electrolytes (I'm too lazy to google scholar it and too scared of AI to chat-gpt it). 

8. Time is soup in a sauna. I have developed a Hot and Cold theory, inspired by my well-tested Sweet and Salty theory (if you regularly switch off between sweet snacks and salty snacks, you'll never get full). Similarly, if your only life goal is to regularly trade off feeling Hot and Cold, you slowly cease to perceive the passage of time. In other words, plan to spend the whole day at the sauna. Pack a lunch. Bring a book. There are nap rooms. Make a whole thing out of it, get your money's worth. 

Okay folks, that's all for now! Feel free to leave any questions in the comments, I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability. I'm planning on continuing to conduct sauna research throughout this winter, so if anyone has any ideas for a thrilling sauna social experiment, I'm all ears. 

P.S. I wonder how one becomes a sauna master? Imagine the auditions. "Please place this ball of ice on this oven in a room of wrinkly naked white people while maintaining a straight face." 

Bleeding Orange and Blue

Ugh guys this blog post is SO overdue I almost tossed the idea entirely. Yall are lucky I'm not a quitter and I love my ideas too much. 

As many of you know, I was in the U.S. in May of this year to witness my baby sister graduate college  (A note to my sister: Yes, I'm about to make your college graduation about me. Yes, it is my right as your older sister. Yes, you can remind me of this when you make way more money next year than I ever will.) 

Alina decided they wanted to attend their official graduation ceremony at the Memorial Stadium, which I was stoked about, as I'd opted out of my own college stadium graduation back in my day. No regrets, but still. I was ready to numb my butt on metal bleachers and scream in the general direction of my sister for two and a half hours. As expected, the ceremony was very orange and very blue and very loud and very exciting.

Additionally, it was very U.S. American. 

I'm not just referring to the obvious - the fact that the ceremony was held in a football stadium and had a clear bag policy. What struck me as astoundingly U.S. American were the speeches given throughout the ceremony. About halfway through the first speech, I whipped out my phone and started taking notes, floored by how two years (!!) in Germany could so violently sensitize me to the language, metaphors, and sentiments expressed by UIUC faculty and staff members. To be clear, I'm certain that if I had attended my own college graduation ceremony at the Michigan Stadium, the speeches would've been very similar. I doubt I would've noticed how ludicrous they sounded though. 

Alright enough set-up. Let me walk you through my Germanized-brain reactions to various phrases proclaimed into a booming stadium microphone on my sister's graduation day. For the full effect, please read the following section while sitting on the world's most uncomfortable set of bleachers. Bonus points if it's windy as all hell and you're half-sitting on a Ziploc bag stuffed with your valuables. 

"Dedication and sacrifice!" Alright, dedication is something to acknowledge for sure, college isn't easy. Sacrifice feels like a little much, unless they're referring to sleep, in which case, sure. 

"Your degree carries the weight of excellence!" Sounds heavy and important. 

"You are the solution to the challenges we face!" Damn, no pressure. Also, thanks for all the challenges, old white guy currently speaking. 

"You dared to dream beyond the skies, you are bold and wise, strong in spirit, and strong in intellect!" Is this a poem? So many adjectives. 

"This is the top university in the world." How do you even measure that? Like, I know it's a great university, but this feels a little much.

"We are the best universtiy in the cosmos." Oh so not just the world, huh? 

"You are legends and giants." I dunno, I mean my sister's only 5 feet tall...

"You are the finest minds in the world." Ain't no way all these minds are fine.

"You are all heroic." What HAPPENED HERE exactly??

"We bleed orange and blue every step of the way." Sounds painful. 

"Together, we will unleash the power of human potential." Not sure I want to be there for that. 

Do you see what I mean? Once you hear it you kind of can't unhear it. That being said, I doubt German college graduation ceremonies are any fun. I've never been to one. To be honest I don't even know if they have official ceremonies. Maybe that's for the best. Can you imagine a German graduation ceremony speech?

(best read in a heavy German accent) 

"You studied at our average university to get a degree. Some of you worked hard, others did not. Some of you will find jobs, some of you will move back in with your parents, most of you will immediately start another degree because you don't want to enter the work force. No problem, just wire your semester fees of 200 Euros on time please. Thank you for your intellectual contributions throughout the years, most of which will have no lasting impact on our institution. Please before you leave make sure to drop off three printed copies of your 80-page Bachelor's thesis. We hate trees." 

Now that I think about it, I'd much rather walk out of my own college graduation feeling heroic than average. Maybe the U.S. is onto something here. Maybe radical honesty isn't what college graduations are about. Maybe they're about hope, and maybe that's okay.

Emma's Guide to Solo Hiking in Germany

I interrupt my own not-so-regularly scheduled culture shock blog posts to bring you all a handy guide to solo hiking in Germany. Credentials include: having done it once. 

Without further ado, I present: My tips, tricks, and musings on solo hiking in Germany...

1. The whole concept of hiking will feel weird at first if your ancestors went on a very notable very not optional 40-year-long "hike" in desperate search of the holy land. It's important to acknowledge this internally and remind your body (and your ancestors) that the hike you are embarking on is optional, will (hopefully) only last a couple hours, and (unfortunately) no bread will be raining from the sky. 

2. Since you can't rely on airborne Manna to get you through your hike, I recommend packing a soft pretzel and some clementines, maybe some vegan beef jerky if you're feeling fancy. Snacks are a great way to  keep motivation high ("When I finally reach the top of this hill, I will eat a half-melted chocolate peanut butter cup!") while practicing discipline ("I will not eat all of my peanut butter cups in the first 10 minutes of my hike and then lie down in the middle of the trail and roll back down the mountain in despair because I am out of peanut butter cups").

3. If you happen to eat all your peanut butter cups in the first 10 minutes of the hike, consider fantasizing about foods you would like to eat when you are finished with your hike as an alternative to lying down in the middle of the trail and rolling back down the mountain. May I suggest pistachio ice cream or rugelach as particularly motivating foods, or as my 3-hours-into-this-hike-and-nearly-enlightened brain came up with: Pistachio ice cream in a cone made of rugelach. 

3. Bring more water than you think you'll need because the fear that you might run out of water unleashes a rush of primal adrenaline that rivals pre-SAT nerves.

4. It's okay if you download a hiking trail app but refuse to purchase the premuim subscription to access the trail maps offline because you'd rather get stranded in the woods than pay $2.83 a month. It's okay if you promptly lose service as soon as you start your hike and then wonder which side of your family made you this stingy and if they're happy now. It's okay because in Germany hiking trails are scarily well-maintained and there is consistent, easily legible signage that turns your exhausting hike into an invigorating scavenger hunt. Where's the next sign? There it is! That-a-way folks! No phones needed. 

5. When said signage tells you not to swim in the pristine turquoise sparkling lake at the end of your hike because the pristine turquoise sparkling lake is a protected nature reserve and it is home to a variety of endangered plants....respect the sign. Even when your U.S. American bones are telling you that your freedom is more important than some plants and your U.S. American feet are stinky as all hell and craving a bath. Since living in Germany, you have learned that some rules are good rules and that Big Government can actually function sometimes. And that the longevity of this lake is more important than your feet (which are, let's be real, four hours into a hike on an 80 degree day, biohazards). 

6. Whenever you cross paths with a waterfall peppered with big mossy rocks, this is what you do. You liberate your feet from feet jail (take your shoes and socks off). You tip-toe into the water ("eeeeee it's coooooold"). You pretend you're a little monkey and climb all over the rocks. Bonus points if you howl at the sky. 

7. It is absolutely worth investing in a fancy-ass hiking backpack that is designed for maximum space and breathability between the pack and your back so you aren't Mr. Sweaty Back the whole damn hike. 

8. You might be confused about what to think about on a solo hike. Two to six hours of just you and your brain. I recommend being present for gotdamn once in your life. If you're unsure how to practice mindfulness in a society designed to keep you distracted, try channeling your inner 2-year-old. Oo, pretty flowers! Oo, big mountains. Oo, cold waterfalls! Just avoid putting anything in your mouth that doesn't belong there. 

Happy hiking!