Culture Shock #18: A German two minutes

I have had the pleasure and honor of brushing my teeth with a few different Germans over the past couple months. I have mixed feelings about these encounters, which I would like to explore in this post.

Firstly, I meant it quite earnestly when I wrote that it was a pleasure and an honor to find myself in these joint teeth-cleaning encounters. Before I moved here, I wasn't sure I'd successfully convince a German to get coffee with me, let alone brush their teeth with me. 

I feel the need to not-so-briefly clarify here that I'm not going around inviting random Germans over to my house to brush their teeth with me. Rather, I see me brushing my teeth alongside various Germans as a sign of successfully-foraged intimite and meaningful friendships. I mean, in order to find yourself in a cramped bathroom knocking shoulders and elbows with someone as you both foam peppermint at the mouth, you and this person were presumably first out on the town together. Maybe yall went to a club, or a party, or a showing of the new Studio Ghibli film. Wow, how sweet! Maybe you and this person even pre-gamed together before heading out to the party, or went out to dinner before the movie. That's already a primary and secondary location. You must enjoy each other's company! Then, that person has to like you enough to invite you back to their place afterwards (tertiary location!) even though it would be perfectly socially acceptable to go your separate ways at this point in the night. After all, it's almost midnight. This friendship thing is going really well! Then, after you decide ,"What the heck? I'll spend the night!", you have to feel comfortable enough shoving your index finger in your mouth and rubbing grainy toothpaste on your molars in front of this person because you didn't think to bring your toothbrush with you. (To a club? Come on.)

Budding friendships, tertiary locations. It's all well and good for me up until here, where things start to get a little humiliating for me (in a way that I, admittedly, should have seen coming). By now I have learned that German dedication to precision and accuracy is no joke. Of course German dedication to precision and accuracy applies to the allotted two minutes that dentists tell us we should all be brushing our teeth for. Before I moved to this country, I assumed I brushed my teeth for two minutes. Or at least, around two minutes. Okay, maybe a minute forty-five. A minute thirty at the minimum. But definitely for a good long while. Hey, my teeth feel clean when I'm done, okay?

Let it be known that my American "good long while" is significantly shorter than a German Two Minutes. In an attempt to illustrate the difference between these (both incredibly valid!) measurements, here are all of the thoughts that I have time to think in between the time I wash my foamy finger off and my German friends finally set down their toothbrushes:

I think I'm getting better at brushing my teeth with my finger. 

I even got a good foam going that time round.

Is that a chin zit?

My friend is still brushing their teeth.

I started before them, right? Like at least a little bit. They'll be done in a second.

I hope I get to sleep on the side of the bed closer to the bathroom. 

I'm hungry again.

They're still brushing their teeth. Damn, they're thorough. 

Is that the same chin zit as last time or a new one?

I should have brushed my teeth for longer. This is making me look bad. This is making my country look bad. 

I want fluffy pancakes and sausages and eggs and also a fruit cup.

Okay it's for sure been two minutes by now. Should I leave the bathroom? I feel like that would be weird at this point. Potentially also make my country look bad.

Zit resurrection....there's gotta be a joke there somewhere. 

How is toothpaste not just falling out of their mouth by now and also running down their toothbrush onto their hands in between their fingers and dripping into the sink?

Also hashbrowns would be nice but only if they're crispy on the outside.

Is time different in the metric system?

Ah okay they're done. Phew. That was only like 20 seconds longer than me, for sure.

I feel like every time I find myself in a version of this situation, I try to match brushing-teeth pace a little more. Of course, it is easier when I have an actual toothbrush. But even then, I have always been outmatched. The last time I tried to brush my teeth as long as a German, I ran out of breath. I definitely did not Google question #6 afterwards.