Culture Shock #19: Germans can't use straws

Did you know that plastic straws have been illegal in Europe since 2021?

Can you imagine the U.S. trying to attempt the same legislature?

The backlash, the protests, the posters. I mean, the jokes practically write themselves. ("DON'T TAKE AWAY MY RIGHT TO SUCK!")

I did not find out that plastic straws are banned from the entire continent of Europe through my keen sense of observation. The fact that I hadn't spotted a plastic straw since arriving in this country - or any straw for that matter - didn't even occur to me until I handed my Hydroflask to a thirsty German friend and watched them puzzle over how to drink from it. (For those of you who don't know what a Hydroflask is...you must be my German readers. Here. https://www.hydroflask.com/ Get educated.) (Side note: this blog is not an ad campaign.) (Another side note: I wish it was)

My German friend tentatively accepted the Hydroflask in their hands. I was confused about why they were so confused. Did they think I'd roofied the water? Also why weren't they even opening it? They turned the bottle over in their hands contemplatively. Peered down at the cap. Touched the cap. Retreated quickly. 

Me: Oh my god.

Friend: What.

Me: You don't know how to open the cap.

Friend: That's not true.

Me: Then why aren't you opening it.

Friend: Don't wanna break it.

Me: That makes no sense.

Friend: It's yours, I don't wanna break it.

Me: You would know you wouldn't break it if you knew how to open it.

Friend: Okay I don't know how to open it. 

Me: 

Friend: Don't laugh.

Me: I'm gonna laugh.

I laughed, and then showed them how to flip the straw up from the cap. I thought the struggles were behind us both. This was my mistake. I watched, in horror, as they gratefully accepted the water bottle back from me, put the straw in their mouth, and then proceeded to TIP THE WATER BOTTLE UP TOWARDS THE SKY.

Me: Whoa whoa whoa stop.

Friend: What?

Me: Put the water bottle down.

Friend: Why?

Me: There's a straw in it.

Friend: What?

Me: There's a straw in it. Hold the water bottle straight. Suck out of the straw. 

Friend: It's not working.

Me: You're not sucking.

At this point, dear reader, you may be thinking...dang Emma, you've found yourself a pretty dumb friend. I assure you, however, this friend is incredibly intelligent. I also assure you that I have watched another German attempt to interact with my water bottle in the same way, yielding the same confuddled results. 

The only conclusion I can come to is that, since the official ban of plastic straws in 2021, the entire concept, the entire PHENOMENON of straws - what they look like, how they function - has been erased from the collective European memory. And what a beautiful conclusion to come to. I cannot imagine a more concrete yet poetic sign of progress. Maybe there is hope for Mother Earth after all! Just no more hope that Germans will appreciate my snazzy Hydroflask...a trade-off I am reluctantly willing to accept.