Culture Shock #20: Germans keep it square

I assume that most of you are familiar with the German chocolate brand "Ritter Sport." Select flavors are available in the states, while a much more extensive array of flavors can be found in practically every supermarket in Germany. It's a pretty decent affordable chocolate brand that I've consistently kept stocked in my pantry since moving here. 

Last night, I was noshing on Ritter Sport: Peanut Edition (whole peanuts, dark chocolate...simply sublime). With an idle mind and a mouth full of peanuty goodness, I flipped the canary yellow chocolate package over to see what was written on the back. There, in the middle of the package, printed in bright green capital letters, was something I'd never really paid attention to before: Ritter Sport's motto. 

"QUADRATISCH. PRAKTISCH. GUT."

Readers, I don't mean to offend your ability to work out a couple German cognates. However, if you intend on enjoying the rest of this blog post, it is essential that you fully comprehend Ritter Sport's motto. Therefore, I will provide the direct translation below. Please feel free to skip over the translation if you are 1) fluent in German, or 2) very confident in your cognate deduction abilities. Without further ado, the direct translation of Ritter Sport's motto:

"QUADRATIC. PRACTICAL. GOOD."

I don't know about you, but when I'm searching for a good bar of chocolate, its quadratic form is certainly not my top priority. Yet, this detail is what Ritter Sport's German marketing team chose to lead with. Importantly, the word "Quadratic" is not an off-hand quirk that Ritter Sport offers in a chocolatey blurb written in 10-point font on the inside flap of their packaging. Rather, it is the first word in their motto. If someone knew nothing of Ritter Sport, the first thing they would learn about these iconic chocolate bars is that they are....square.

Let's now move on to the second word in Ritter Sport's motto: Practical. What makes a bar of chocolate practical, exactly? Is it its quadratic form, perhaps? But why would a square bar of chocolate be more practical than a rectangular bar of chocolate? Hell, I don't see anything wrong with a circular bar of chocolate now that I think about it. Even if one of you could provide me with a feasible answer to this question (why is a square bar of chocolate more practical than a differently-shaped chocolate bar?), what a weak continuation of this already-questionable brand motto. Practical?? Chocolate?? I mean I know this is Germany, but lord have mercy. Must everything have a practical function? Is practicality really what Germans value in a bar of chocolate? Surely Ritter Sport chocolate has better qualities worth highlighting. What about the wide variety of flavors, including various vegan options? Or the generous portion of nuts and fruits granted to each bar? Speaking of, may I point out that (two words into Ritter Sport's three-word motto) we have yet to address how the chocolate tastes? 

Which leads me to Word Number Three...Good. GOOD? Is this the best adjective the German Ritter Sport marketing team could come up with? A four-year-old could think of a more imaginative alternative. "Good" isn't even a high-praise adjective. Why not "Great"? Why not "Fantastic"? At first glance, it seems as though this iconic chocolate brand suffers severely from low self esteem, although this could also just be an example of brutal German honesty. Even the German Ritter Sport marketing team couldn't indulge in a bit of hyperbole. 

Given my reaction to Ritter Sport's motto, I was curious about what the Ritter Sport packaging looks like in the United States. Did the English-speaking branch of Ritter Sport's marketing team react like I did to the excessively German Ritter Sport motto? Did they opt to change it, or just Google Translate it and call it a day? I decided to do a bit of research, and low and behold...

"QUALITY. CHOCOLATE. SQUARED."

This is the motto that appears on Ritter Sport chocolate packaging in North America. 

"QUALITY IN A SQUARE."

This is the motto that appears on Ritter Sport chocolate packaging in the U.K..

You might notice that these mottos are not, in fact, direct translations of the original German motto. I'm sure I could write an entire essay about the ways in which various translations of Ritter Sport's motto reflect the cultures they aim to sell to, but I don't have time for that. I will say though, that post-Googling, I feel very validated in my reaction to the German Ritter Sport motto. It simply wasn't written for me.