Culture Shock #45: A U.S. American walks into a sauna

Alright folks, this is everything you need to know before embarking on your first German sauna experience. You're so very welcome for conducting thorough embodied research. I did it for the U.S. American people. 

For those of you who don't know what a sauna is (I sure didn't before moving here), let me try to paint a picture. You know the sensation of hotboxing your car? Now imagine instead of your car it's a log cabin in which long wooden benches circle a heated stone oven. And instead of weed hanging heavy in the air it's plumes of hot steam produced by a team of expert sauna masters, whose job it is to place spheres of scented ice (think lavendar, eucalyptus) on top these heated stone ovens. And instead of your douchebag high school boyfriend sitting next to you pretending he knows how to roll a joint it's a smattering of strangers eager to sweat out their bodily toxins and/or reach enlightenment. Oh right, and the strangers are butt naked. 

Some of you might be thinking "Huh, that actually sounds like my worst nightmare. You couldn't pay me to strip down and drip sweat among strangers in a small wooden box." To which I say, completely fair. That was more or less my opinion on the matter for my first 17 months living in Europe. Then I started to get curious. Because people here won't shut up about them! Sauna weekend this, sauna weekend that. Saunas strengthen your immune system, reset your mind~body connection, facilitate deep relaxation and meditative presence, the effects can last days if not weeks...sue me, it sounded kinda nice. Plus I needed content for my blog. 

Alright, enough groundwork. Here's what I learned, my takeaways, advice I was given in preparation, and things I wish someone had told me beforehand. Compiled into a comprehensive (you guessed it) list! I love lists, can you tell? 

A U.S. American walks into a sauna so you can too

1. For the sake of your inner peace, I recommend choosing a sauna where you're fairly certain you won't run into anyone you know. I fondly recall overhearing a conversation among three of my coworkers, during which was revealed that (to their horror) they had all separately made plans to go to the same sauna with their respective lovers that upcoming weekend. They then proceeded with a bout of negotiation in order to avoid undesired collegial contact in the buff. (Imagine the Monday team meeting eye contact! I'd have to quit.) I believe they were able to work out time slots, bless them. 

2.  If you are truly among only strangers, the whole being naked thing is way less of a big deal than I anticipated it being. In fact, when you think about it, the nightmare you often have about being naked in public is only humiliating and unbearable because you are the only one naked in the room. But when everyone is naked, it's kind of like no one is. You guys know the Incredibles? Just apply Dash's logic. "If everyone is super..." If you still don't believe me, take this little personal anecdote into consideration. I was sitting in a sauna during a steam ceremony (that's when the sauna masters come into the saunas and place new scented ice balls on the heated stone ovens to create fresh piping hot steam) and the sauna master was passing around cups of lemon-scented lotion. Mind you, I am in my birthday suit and my hair is sticking to my neck and my knee pits are puddles. Somehow I manage forget all of this as I turn to the very naked man sitting next to me and ask him matter-of-factly, "Where are we supposed to rub this lotion?". He turns to me and answers simply "I think everywhere except your eyes." "Right," I answer, "Thanks!". I am halfway through massaging the lotion onto my naked body before I register the fact that I had initiated a conversation with a naked man about where I should rub my lotion. The weirdest part was, it didn't feel weird at all. (Important note: Context is key! If you are on the subway and a naked man approaches you asking where he should rub his lemon-scented lotion, please run away!)

3. Saunas are (you may have guessed this already from all the "hot steam"s and "dripping sweat"s) very hot. They are designed to make you sweat. You are not supposed to stay in them for very long, 8-15 minutes maximum. There are brilliant little sand timers on the walls that I recommend utilizing to maintain some grasp on linear time in the liminal spaces that saunas can be. That being said, your body is your best timer. If you start to breath shallow, or feel dizzy, or your sauna master decides that DILL would be an appropriate scent to fill the hot sweaty room with...stand up and leave. You are not a piece of salmon. You are a human being. 

4. 8-15 minutes might not sound like a long time, but it certainly feels like it when you have nothing else to do but sit and sweat and try not look straight at the penis in your periphery (just pretend it's a basilisk, works for me). Sometimes thoughts might come into your head, such as "Why am I doing this to myself?" and "Is this cultural appropriation?". Allow these thoughts to float by like clouds in the sky and keep letting those beads of sweat roll down into your buttcrack. Your body and mind will thank you later.

5. Bring two towels. One towel is to lay down on the wooden benches in the saunas so you don't leave behind butt prints, or worse. Hygiene, people, hygiene. The other towel is for drying off after your post-sauna jump in the shower or pool or lake.

6. Speaking of shower or pool or lake...it's a truly invigorating and awesome sensation, going from unbearably hot to refreshingly cold. However inticing that water might look after you step out of a sauna, it's essential that you wait a couple minutes before plunging in to give your body a chance to start regulating its own temperature first. Getting a heart attack at the sauna is frowned upon, as paramedics aren't known for their zen vibes. 

7. Hydrate hydrate hydrate! Some saunas will provide free tea, which will somehow help your monkey brain make peace with the 50 euro entrance fee. I recommend bringing lemon water, as it is refreshing and fancy and may or may not provide additional electrolytes (I'm too lazy to google scholar it and too scared of AI to chat-gpt it). 

8. Time is soup in a sauna. I have developed a Hot and Cold theory, inspired by my well-tested Sweet and Salty theory (if you regularly switch off between sweet snacks and salty snacks, you'll never get full). Similarly, if your only life goal is to regularly trade off feeling Hot and Cold, you slowly cease to perceive the passage of time. In other words, plan to spend the whole day at the sauna. Pack a lunch. Bring a book. There are nap rooms. Make a whole thing out of it, get your money's worth. 

Okay folks, that's all for now! Feel free to leave any questions in the comments, I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability. I'm planning on continuing to conduct sauna research throughout this winter, so if anyone has any ideas for a thrilling sauna social experiment, I'm all ears. 

P.S. I wonder how one becomes a sauna master? Imagine the auditions. "Please place this ball of ice on this oven in a room of wrinkly naked white people while maintaining a straight face."