Culture Shock #55: Why it took me two years to get a German driver's license

Are you a U.S. American with a driver's license looking to get a German driver's license? Well then, this post is for you! Here is a complete and 100% accurate list of things you need in order to get your hands on a German driver's license: 

1) 45 Euros. 

2) Your passport or German ID. 

3) Your current U.S. American driver's license. 

4) An official document proving that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license. No, your current U.S. American driver's license does not count as proof that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license. What counts as an official document that proves you were in the U.S. when you obtained your current U.S. American driver's license, you might ask? Great question! A job contract, housing contract, or college transcript would suffice. Oh, you don't want the German government in your U.S. American business? How bad do you want that German driver's license? 

5) Your first ever driver's license. Yep, the one you got at age sixteen that you obviously don't still have. 

6) Maybe you felt this one coming because you're an expert at reading context clues. Yep, you need an official document proving that you were in the U.S. when you obtained your FIRST U.S. AMERICAN DRIVER'S LICENSE. What, you didn't have a job or housing contract at age sixteen? Loser! Guess you're gonna have to go dig through those dusty cardboard boxes in your basement for your high school report card. Oh, you're young enough that report cards were digitalized by the time you graduated high school? Awesome, lucky you! Then you get to text your mom and ask her to Facebook message your eighth grade history teacher and ask him how you might get a pdf of your high school report card to prove to the German government that you were in the U.S. when you got your first U.S. driver's license. 

7) Wait...don't tell me you want to keep your U.S. American driver's license? You mean you don't want the German government to take it away? AND you want a German driver's license? You want both? You greedy fool! In that case, you'll need to provide an official letter addressed to the German government making the sound argument that you deserve to keep your own U.S. American driver's license that you obtained in the U.S. (as proven). The advice I got from the nice lady working at the German DMV? Say you need your U.S. American driver's license to vote. Germans may be wacky, but it is in their best interest to protect global democracy, and they have a good feeling that you're not a Trumpie. 

8) A stool sample of your second cousin once-removed. 

9) The correct answers to Rumplestiltskin's half-brother's riddles three. 

Hope this helps!